Marriage.

I used to be excited about marriage. Rasa tak sabar nak masuk ke alam tu. Lebih-lebih lagi bila tengok ramai je hot mama kat social media. But then, kita tak tau apa yang diorang lalui. Belakang tabir. Well, siapa yang nak cerita kisah laki bini gaduh baling periuk belanga pasu sinki segala tu kan? That doesnt matter, yang penting they survived.

What makes me wonder is, if I was in their shoes, will I survive? Can I survive?

All these time I only think about the good stuffs after marriage. I mean, having a husband by your side through thick and thin would be nice. I forgot that he can be the one who put me into thick and thin.

Love isnt always about the good stuff. They're times when we got all insecure, kecik hati about small stuffs, then mula la keluar semua ayat jiwang karat lagu 90-an. Syaitan pun ape lagi, berpesta la kat telinga ni. Bisik macam-macam.

Yang lelaki pulak, "Benda kecik je pun. Perempuan ni suka sangat nak besar-besarkan semua benda. Rimas la". Syaitan lagi seronok berbisik "Benda kecik. Benda kecik. Benda kecik". If you know what I mean.

I tell you what, when it comes to marriage, family, there is NO SUCH THING AS BENDA KECIK. Every single step you take will leave an impression in people's life. No matter how small things are, it is just a matter of time when it will become a big issue. Sikit-sikit lama-lama jadi bukit. Remember?

Like, hari-hari maki bini, 5 first day, bini boleh fikir lagi "husband stress ngan masalah kat tempat kerja, aku kena faham". Lepas setahun asek kena maki, terfikir jugak kan? Mahligai jenis apa yang kitorang bina ni? Patut ke diteruskan? Well, syaitan banyak yang berbisik katakan. The husband pulak tak rasa bersalah, tak rasa perlu berubah. Kat mana hubungan tu lepas 5 tahun? 10 tahun? Lu fikir la sendiri.

Cerita lain pulak. Hari-hari husband bawak chocolate 50sen favourite bini, dari kedai seberang jalan depan office. Lepas setahun dua, tak pernah bawak bini jalan-jalan kat bandar. Tapi disebabkan hari-hari husband belikan sweets, takpelah. Dimaafkan. "Husband banyak kerja kat office. Aku kena faham. Plus, he consistantly remember to buy my favourite chocolate. Even 50sen pun jadi lah". Even lepas 10 tahun pun the wife will always remember the sweet little thing that you've done.

The examples applies to every character. Husband, wife, mother, father, children, etc. Jangan cakap aku rasis. Harhar.

Okay la. Contoh untuk bapak and anak.

Hari-hari bapak janji nak bawak anak-anak main kat playground. Sampai la anak umur 14 tahun, playground pun tak pernah jejak. Sampaikan everytime bapak janji nak bawak, anak dia monolog dalam hati sebab dia tau bapak dia 'cakap' je. Takkan bawak. So anak dia sikit pun tak berharap kat bapak dia. Anak membesar having no faith in their father. How does it feels?

Eh, kenapa kaum lelaki lagi yang bersalah? Nevermind.

The point is, takde benda yang kecik dalam dunia ni. The fact that most men always fikir semua benda remeh, makes me wonder. Can I stand it? Boleh aku bertolak ansur bila benda 'kecik' yang sama berulang 10 juta kali? Mampu ke aku?

I cant change people. I can change only myself. Aku tak dapat pertikaikan, mampu ke seorang lelaki nak mempertahankan status husband-wife? Mampu ke sorang lelaki berubah? Mampu ke lelaki tu menjaga keluarga dia? Mampu ke dia jaga anak isteri dia physically, mentally and emosionally? Itu semua luar kemampuan aku untuk tentukan.

Mampu ke aku jaga hati, makan, pakai, suami and anak aku? I dont know but yes, I will do it with all my might. With all I got. But can I stand it if he doesnt feels the same towards me and our family? Mampu ke aku bertahan kalau dia tak mampu menanggung tanggungjawab tu semua? Mampu ke aku bersabar? I dont know. I really dont. Even with all my might. I dont know. Well, I am known for a very impatient person. Kalau perangai dia tak berubah, aku kena bersabar for 5 years, maybe boleh. Untuk 10 tahun? 20 tahun? Seumur hidup? I just dont know. Mampukah? Atau. Mampuskah?

LOL. I really hope i will find someone that will reflects everything he does and do better next time. Dont worry, cause I will do the same. As long as you are trying with all that you got, I will be by your side with all that I got.

Whats the point?

Whats the point of singing all the sad songs after you lose the one you love? It wont bring them back.

Whats the point of blaming each other? It wont change the fact.

Whats the point of living in regret? It wont undo what we've done in the past.

Whats the point?

Sing all the love song when you have them. It will keep them by your side.

Blame yourself and change what you have to change. It will make a different.

Reflects every things you've done, good or bad, and do better tomorrow. It will decide your future.

Embrace this moment.
Dont wait until it is too late.

Whose whisper?

Aku pernah terbaca.

Dalam suatu perhubungan, bila dah pergi jauh, dah merancang untuk melangkah ke satu tahap lagi, akan timbul macam-macam masalah. Kata orang, itu semua helah sang syaitan. Nak meruntuhkan hubungan. Nak menghalang pasangan yang nak membina masjid.

Masalahnya, kadang-kadang benda bukannya baru timbul. Tapi benda lama yang tak pernah selesai. Perangai yang tak pernah berubah.

And that makes me wonder.

Was that the whispers of the devil?
Or was that the whispers of the reality?